Bring Love and Harmony in Relationships by Understanding the Love Bank

The first festival of the year is here, Lohri/ MakarSankranti/ Pongal/ Bihu, celebrated in various parts of India marking the end of winter and beginning of spring. This festival is one of bonding with family members and society as a whole.

In this article here, let us understand how we can bring love and harmony into our lives and our relationships and celebrate this festival in its true spirit.

A son took his old father to a restaurant for an evening dinner. His father, being very old and weak, while eating, spilled food on his shirt and trousers. Other diners watched him in disgust while his son was calm.

After he finished eating, his son who was not embarrassed at all, quietly took him to the washroom, wiped the food particles, combed his hair and fitted his spectacles firmly. When they came out, the entire restaurant was watching them in stupefaction, not able to grasp how someone could embarrass themselves publicly like that. The son settled the bill and started out with his father.

At that time, an old man amongst the diners called out to the son and asked him, “Don’t you think you have left something behind?”.

The son looked around and replied, “No sir, I haven’t”.

The old man retorted, “Yes, you have! You have left a lesson of love, and a hope for every person who is seeking love.”

The restaurant went silent.

Each one of us seeks love from others. Hence, no matter who you are and no matter where you are, nurture the hearts of those who are near and dear to you with love and care.

There is a love bank within each person, the balance of which fluctuates on a daily basis. The key is that the love bank should not become empty at any time. The available balance in this bank has an impact on the joy, peace, and love in the family.

The currency that each person’s love bank accepts varies depending on their definition of love. Each person’s mental dictionary is different; it is based on their preconceived notions and beliefs that are shaped by their experiences. You need to understand the dictionary of the other person in order to know which currency you should deposit in their love bank.

The different currencies that fill the love banks of people are the following:

1. GIFTS
Some people feel loved when they receive gifts. This need is surely not for materialistic happiness; rather the receiver of the gift thrives on the love, thoughtful consideration, and effort behind the gift. The price of the gift is not as important. At times, even something as simple as a flower or a greeting card can work wonders with such a person. Your balance in their love bank increases and they are now prepared to reciprocate your gesture of love. Even if they do not reciprocate, you need not worry about it. You are doing this as a selfless gesture for your own happiness; this is your expression of unconditional love. Your little consideration for them can fill their lives with love and joy.

2. TIME
For some people, gifts do not matter. You may wonder why this person is always unhappy even though much is done for them. But they feel that they are loved only when someone spends ‘exclusive’ time with them. Once their love bank is full, they reciprocate your love. Bear in mind that the time you spend with them should be exclusively for them and not the side conversation that is made while watching television or performing your chores.

3. APPRECIATION IN WORDS
Some people feel complete or happy when you acknowledge or appreciate their efforts and are able to convey that you understand them. They may not feel happy even if you give them ample gifts or spend many hours with them. However, when you appreciate them wholeheartedly, even on accomplishing a small task, they feel very happy. Expressing love through words of affection, praise, or acknowledgement fill their love bank. That’s when they reciprocate love. You need to observe very closely what each member of your family is engaged in. Also ensure that the appreciation is genuine and sincere. Once they receive this appreciation, they continue their activity more vigorously. This will also help in maintaining harmony and enthusiasm in the family.

4. SERVICE
Some people feel loved or in other words their love bank gets filled when you serve them in some way. E.g. A wife, whose mental definition of love is an “act of service,” feels great love for her husband when he helps her in household activities. She may then reciprocate her love by preparing things that please him. Until then, she feels that he does not love her, even though he might buy expensive gifts for her or take her out for picnics. The day he understands her dictionary, it can surprise him how such a trivial act of service can bring immense happiness to her. She too may not have shared this with him as she may not be aware about her own mental definition of love!

5. TOUCH
People who belong to this category feel that they are loved only when someone touches them with warmth and affection. A simple caress or hug makes them feel loved. Their love bank is filled with hugs, pats on the back or by holding hands. These are ways of showing concern, care, and love.

Every member in your family could have a different mental definition of love. You need to ascertain their dictionaries through focused discussions that are held in order to understand each other. Some people will directly read out their dictionaries for you, while others do not reveal theirs at all. Those who are ready to communicate will take the initiative. Some people, who fear being ridiculed, feel ashamed or embarrassed about revealing their dictionary.

Remember, even though we tend to favor one definition of love more than the others, we still enjoy the traits of the others as well. When you practice identifying peoples’ definition of love and filling their love banks accordingly, you will get miraculous results and you will be encouraged to continue this. However, you should continue this practice regardless of the results.

It is possible that the other person’s love bank is filled today, but reduces due to stress and tension. It can even become empty after a few days. Then again, your appreciative words, your gestures of help, small gifts, a few minutes of exclusive time, or kind touch can refill their banks.

So let this Sankranti/Pongal fill the hearts of your near and dear ones with the sweetness of love and care that you feel for them. Let’s distribute sweets with any of the gestures mentioned above, make this festival truly sweet and bring harmony in everyone’s lives.